diana pressey

Dear Squirrels of UNC-Chapel Hill,

I have taken to luring you in with hazelnuts and stalking you to try and find one of your brethren, the love of my life whom I encountered last year.

This encounter with her took place on a walk with my good friend Michelle. We strolled blithely past an innocent looking trash can, with all the hubris of students whose past experiences with squirrels had been passive and unremarkable. Before that moment, we were naive. We knew nothing of the chaos of the world. All of a sudden, out one of you popped, intent on sharing it with us.

We screeched in horror at what appeared to be a fluffy garbage monster. This particular squirrel was quite the bodacious beast. She stood confidently atop her humble trash can abode, gazing at us, head tilted in a challenge. She sniffed the air, as if she could smell our fear (and I believe that she could).

I gazed at her face and saw no trace of fear. There was nothing going on behind those eyes. Michelle and I watched as she jumped down from the trash can, staring us down in what appeared to be an intimidation tactic. It was effective–we didn’t dare move, even though she was close enough to touch. She strutted past us with extraordinary grace, considering her heft.

She was amazing. It was love at first sight.

I would like to connect with her. I believe that together, we could do great things for this campus. I have long admired your kind, with your complete lack of restraint and fear of people. Clearly, squirrels are the superior beings, and you all know it.

Please meet me in the middle of Polk Place at 5 o’clock on April 10. I would like to convene so that I may find the magnificent creature who stole my heart during that fateful chance encounter with at the trash can by Wilson Library.

I would also like to discuss your plan for world domination. I know what you’re planning.

I will come bearing hazelnuts. I look forward to speaking with you all.

Sincerely,

Diana Pressey

Diana Pressey is a senior advertising/public relations major at UNC-Chapel Hill. She’s also campaigns team lead at the 1893 Brand Studio and a freelance writer. In her free time, she enjoys reading and writing, dancing badly at concerts, belly laughing, and hanging out with other people’s pets. Click here to learn more about her, here to read previous blog posts, and here to get in touch.